Guilt: The Kind That Lingers and the Kind That Lies

I just went back to work. Now, going back to work after summer break is something I’ve now done 6 times as a teacher, but this time is different. This time I’m a new mom returning to work full time.

I was incredibly blessed (and maybe lucky) that my 4 week maternity leave flowed into summer -minus the last week of school I returned to close things out- and I got essentially 15 weeks of summer/ maternity leave.

That doesn’t make returning to work any easier, and it might even be making my mom guilt that much worse.

Guilt is something I’ve felt time and time again over my life. Sometimes it is warranted but often it’s not. Being a mom I’m learning that unfortunately guilt is a constant in this role because you never seem to be able to get things right.

“Mom guilt” is something I’m sure all moms have felt at one point or another. 

I feel guilty I choose to breast feed and therefore no one else can feed my baby (or time is spent away from others when I have to go pump). I feel guilty if I choose to formula feed because I’m not breastfeeding and it seems everyone is judgy about that.

I feel guilty I’m returning to work and not able to be with my kid all day. I feel guilty I’m choosing to stay at home and our family is losing that income so has to adjust.

I feel guilty I went out for dinner with my friends without my kid. I feel guilty I never leave my kid and don’t see my friends anymore.

There is a never ending double edged sword of things to be guilty about as a mom- and when you look outside of yourself as a mother there are so many other things to be guilty about.

When I think back on my life even just in the past 5-10 years I have so many things I feel guilty about. 

I feel guilty I’ve let certain friendships end. I feel guilty I haven’t always been the best daughter, friend, partner, teacher. I feel guilty I’ve caused people pain- intentional or not. At times I have let that guilt consume me. 

I’ve spent almost 3 years letting guilt of a lost friendship keep me up on random nights. I’ll be driving without a care in the world, hear a song, and the guilt creeps in. For what? What purpose does that guilt serve? It’s not going to change my life. It’s not going to fix the past. 

I’ve realized- and finally starting to accept- that guilt is a sign you’re becoming a better person. To feel bad about the past because you’ve learned more and are trying to be better. Guilt can help in this way as a signal of personal growth and betterment.

But guilt can also lie. At some point we have to realize we can do what’s best for ourselves and that doesn’t make us a bad person. 

Yes, we should consider others and not intentionally cause harm. Although, there is nothing wrong with outing your foot down, leaving situations that don’t serve you, and putting yourself first. 

Guilt shows you care, you’ve changed, you’re learning. But most times guilt serves no other purpose than to make us feel bad. Feel the feeling, accept a mistake may have been made, and move on. If apologies can be made, make them. If nothing can be done, okay. 

We can’t let the guilt or shame of the past hold us back, and no more will that guilt define me.