Motherhood- One Year In

I became a mom the second I saw those two lines.

I was a mom when I shared the news with your dad, when we first saw your “little big head” on a screen, the first time I heard your heartbeat, when I learned you were a boy.

I became a mom the second I knew about you, and suddenly my life wasn’t mine anymore. The next 8 months so much time and energy went to making sure everything went right to get you here safely.

I had my weakest and strongest moments in those months, and suddenly it all got bigger, brighter, better.

In the year since we welcomed the sweetest boy into the world I’ve seen how much deeper motherhood goes than what I’d seen through my life and what I have imagined in my dreams to one day earn that title.

Motherhood has at times made me harder. Handling a situation where my child was harmed (something I never expected to experience only 3 months in) in a rational and clear headed way built up a wall. I’ve lacked trust in a lot of people, places, and situations since that terrible day. I’ve worked to put my foot down when I used to shrug things off, and I’ve seen and felt how truly “my child comes first.” I’ve learned this should happen guilt free. The hardness of my heart has had to happen to do what is right for this person I am in charge of. Nothing else matters when he is being considered.

Not only am I in charge of his safety and well being now, but I’m a key part in who he will become. Everything I do now is shaping his future. What I allow is teaching him what to allow for himself. 

But motherhood has also given me my softest moments. The pure bliss and relief of having your baby first placed on your chest. They are here, they are safe, you are okay. There’s a moment of peace in that first moment. So much was happening in the room around us, but all I cared about was my baby. And that’s how things have gone since.

Every contact nap where the world outside stopped and no longer mattered. Every hiccup we got past and finally figured out. The afternoons after daycare and work we just chill.

Watching each small moment become a bigger milestone and knowing “this moment, this person, it all exists because of me” can make someone become a little overconfident.

Yet, every time I look at my baby who is quickly no longer a baby, I’m amazed by what I did, but now it’s turning Into amazement at what this person is doing for himself. Everyone wants to brag on their kid and thinks they are the best and smartest, but that belief is what I hope helps him become a truly amazing person.

My job will never be done. This first year was just a taste of how wonderful and difficult motherhood will be. 

I’ve never been more proud of myself for anything than what I’ve learned and accomplished this past year. I’ve never been more tired or fulfilled. 

Motherhood has been a dream of mine since I got my first babydoll, and I’m honored to be able to do this, and soon do it full time.

May the next year be even bigger, brighter, and full of love- if that’s possible.

The best thing I've ever been is 'Lincoln's Mom'