Not Broken, Just Becoming

So many stages of life (at least for me) seem to end with brokenness. It’s almost as if it’s the signal to look for what’s next. It’s only visible in hindsight, but the heartbreak, tears, anger, all must happen to move forward.

It’s so hard to see it in the moment. And even though I can acknowledge this, I always forget it when I need it most. In the moments I feel like I can’t go on, like the world is ending, like I’ll never feel happiness again for whatever reason. I can’t see the other side even though outside of these moments I know the sadness isn’t permanent. It’s not a wall I’ll never get through, or a mountain I’ll never scale- usually it’s just a curtain I need to pull back to see the sunshine again.

I cried endless tears alone in the bathroom when the boy didn’t like me. Now I’m thankful my life didn’t go in that direction.

I felt I’d never be enough and almost gave up after 10 failed job interviews. The next one brought me my first classroom, 15 amazing students, and a wonderful team that I’m thankful I got to learn from that chaotic year.

I failed at a goal- I get another chance to try.

I struggle to make new friends- I’ll make the right connections when it’s time.

Im scared of the next unknown- what a blessing to get to do something new.

Tears.

Tears.

Broken sobs and tears.

I know there are things that broke me in the moments they happened that truly have stuck with me. There are people I’ve lost that are still in my heart. There are mistakes I’ve made that still haunt me. There are failures I’m still embarrassed by.

But as I’ve said before and I’ll say a million times again, I’m so lucky to have what I do.

And I understand I wouldn’t have any of what I have today if I had succeeded at what I thought was for me, if I still had the relationships that once killed me to lose, if I hadn’t taken a risk or two to get where God intended me to be.

All the things I lost, all the things that broke me, it wasn’t the end- it wasn’t even the beginning. It was all just part of the story of who I needed to be and who I am still turning into.

I hope next time I feel like the sky is falling I can remember that. 

If you’re struggling, you’re not broken, you’re just becoming.